Patty & Selma Quests
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Level 35 Quest Line

For the Love of Marge Pt. 1

Homer
  • Build the Spinster City Apartments

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Ooh, my favorite dinner — pork chops!
Not only that, but I wrapped some so you can snack on them when you go bowling. And the wrapping I used is bacon.
What’s going on? Am I dying? If I am, you have to tell me! And make me bacon-wrapped brownies!
You’re not dying!
Although with your cholesterol, every day is a gift. But the reason I’m being so nice is to thank you in advance…
…for-letting-Patty-and-Selma- live-with-us-because-they- have-no-where-else-to-go.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
I’ll build them an apartment building. I don’t care how much fake money it costs!
Homer, you’re so thoughtful and generous!
Yes. I am.
Though… you know I would abandon them in the woods if that were an option, right?
Yes, Sweetie, I know.
( click to restart )


For the Love of Marge Pt. 2

Patty
  • Make Patty Visit the Simpson House
  • Make Selma Visit the Simpson House

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Feels good to exist again, eh, Selma?
I don’t know — the TV here only shows the later MacGyver episodes. They’re all post-mullet.
What a godforsaken hellscape.
Hey, I know where we can find a half-dead whale that we can jab in the blubber for laughs.
You mean Homer?
Our secret twin language still works.
( click to restart )


For the Love of Marge Pt. 3

Patty
  • Make Patty Watch MacGyver at the Simpson House
  • Make Selma Watch MacGyver at the Simpson House
  • Make Homer Play with his myPad

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Hey, Boba-Fat, could you trundle a few steps to the left? I can’t see the TV. In fact, I can’t see that whole half of the house.
And put on a hat. The screen’s catching a glare from your chrome-dome.
Grrr…
If you need me I’ll be doing an exterior quest.
( click to restart )


For the Love of Marge Pt. 4

Homer
  • Make Patty Take a Smoke Break
  • Make Selma Take a Smoke Break
  • Make Homer Be Sick

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
There, you’ve watched your stupid show. Now leave!
Ahhh, a good episode of MacGyver is like sex.
‘Cause there’s sweating and jerry-rigged contraptions?
That too, but I meant it makes you want a cigarette.
If anyone needs me I’ll be in the bathroom vomiting forever.
( click to restart )


Career Aspirations Pt. 1

Homer
  • Build the DMV

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Don’t you she-trolls have anywhere else to be?
Sorry, Chunky Cheese. There’s no DMV anymore, so we don’t have jobs.
That’s right, so we’re just going to hang out all day and– Hey, where’d he go?
There, through that Homer-shaped hole in the wall. Weird to see the Crisco Kid move so fast.
Yeah, it’s like watching a walrus juggle.
I wonder what he was in such a hurry to do.
( click to restart )


Career Aspirations Pt. 2

Patty
  • Make Patty Work at the DMV
  • Make Selma Work at the DMV

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Back at the DMV. Let the slow dying begin.
Hey, there were parts of this job we loved. Like that time the line stretched out the door while you stood at your window stapling papers.
I am pretty proud of that.
Everyone in line was fuming! You wouldn’t even make eye-contact.
I ran out of staples in the first minute, but I “stapled” ‘til my lunch-break. That was pure sense-memory acting.
A lot of people don’t realize — a big part of this job is mental.
( click to restart )


End Quest Dialog

( click here )
Next!
Finally! This line is so long! Let’s get this done quickly — Mr. Burns is already gonna kill me.
This is gonna be a gooooood day!
( click to restart )


Career Aspirations Pt. 3

Homer
  • Make Marge Look for Homer’s License

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Marge! Where’s my driver’s license?
How would I know?
Because you know where everything is. Remember when I couldn’t find my sandwich last week?
I happened to see it in the soap dish when I was cleaning the shower.
Please help me find my license! My wallet feels so naked without it.
Sure. It’ll give me an excuse to take the couch pillows off and put them back again.
It makes me feel like I work in a couch pillow factory!
We all have our little fantasies!
( click to restart )


End Quest Dialog

( click here )
I found your license, Homie, but it’s expired. You’ll have to renew it.
Eh, what’s the point? Nobody drives here anymore.
Well, you’d need it if we were at a bar and wanted to order a– Hey, where’d he go?
Now there are two Homer-shaped holes in the wall!
( click to restart )


Career Aspirations Pt. 4

Patty
  • Make Homer Take Driver Training

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Selma! Look who’s stumbled into our web!
I’m here to renew my license.
You were right, Patty. Combining our birthday wishes made it come true!
He’s ours to torture for as long as we want!
Will you two Lady Shreks just get on with it.
( click to restart )


End Quest Dialog

( click here )
Congratulations, Fat Boy Fat, you’ve passed your four hour road test.
I’m pretty sure the officially sanctioned road test does not include driving back and forth in front of your ex-boyfriend’s house.
You should be glad that I give extra credit for throwing rocks at his window because you suck at parallel parking.
( click to restart )


Career Aspirations Pt. 5

Homer
  • Make Patty Take a Smoke Break
  • Make Selma Take a Smoke Break

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Finally out of that car! Both of you blowing smoke in my face… *coughs* I think you gave me asthma.
Great. The one thing I had going for me was my sexy, clear airways.
Relax, Lard Hamilton, I’ll show you how to fix that.
Cross your eyes. Now let your mouth go slack until a little bit of drool dribbles out… Perfect!
What was that flash?
You took my license photo?! C’mon, take a non-drooly one!
Sorry, it’s time for our break.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 1

Homer
  • Make Homer Lobby for Tobacco Control

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Gross and Grosserer won’t get away with treating me like that.
I’ll take away something that brings joy to their lives… which is hard to think of, because their lives seem pretty joyless.
…except for one thing.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 2

Quimby
  • Make Quimby Ban Tobacco

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Hey Joe, there’s papers and petitions all over your desk and that’s where we usually “do it”.
Er, uh, Miss Springfield, might I remind you that I am in the middle of a press conference!
Oopsie!
What the young lady meant by “do it” is, er uh, respond to constituant concerns.
Oh Joe, you’re so sexy when you’re mayoring!
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 3

Patty
  • Make Patty Point Out Homer’s Flaws
  • Make Selma Buy “Lady Laramie 100s”

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
I can’t believe it. That giant, talking skin-tag actually got a law passed to ban tobacco.
This can’t be happening. I’ll run to the store and buy every pack I can get my hands on.
And I will, once again, explain to Marge why she should slowly poison Homer to death.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 4

Herman
  • Make Herman Import Contraband Tobacco

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Times of prohibition can often prove to be quite profitable…
Especially to those with flexible moral standards and access to firearms.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 5

Wiggum
  • Make Wiggum Patrol Springfield

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
No tobacco? Every teacher, beatnik and ballerina is gonna be going through withdrawal.
With everyone feeling so bitchy I’m gonna have to work twice as hard to keep the peace.
I swear the public treats me like I’m some kind of servant.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 6

Patty
  • Make Selma Buy Contraband Tobacco

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
It’s been three hours since we ran out of cigarettes. I’ve never gone this long… even while sleeping!
Here, I rolled some tea in a piece of toilet paper. See how it smokes.
Ugh, it’s awful! Even kids at home wouldn’t want to try it.
Someone in this town has got to be holding.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 7

Wiggum
  • Make Wiggum Go on a Stake Out

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
A lot of ex-smokers seem to be taking an interest in military antiques these days. Eh, it’s probably nothing.
Although if I go home, I’ll have to help Ralphie with his homework. And then it’s dinner and bathtime and–
If only there was something that could occupy my time for the next twenty-four hours.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 8

Quimby
  • Make Quimby Buy Contraband Tobacco

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Oh Miss Springfield! Cabinet meeting, hot tub, now! Swimsuit optional.
Aaaah! What happened to you?!
Without cigarettes, I had to turn to a substance I don’t normally partake in — food!
But what’s an extra 30 to 40 pounds when you got a love like ours, huh, Pookie-Bear?
Er, uh, I want to get my Pookie-Bear some cigarettes. Let’s jog over there now!
( click to restart )


End Quest Dialog

( click here )
Hey, Herman can I use your bathroo– OH MY GOD! Crime! Put your hands ub!
Don’t you mean, “Put your hands up?”
Is that what it is? That makes soooo much more sense. Oh, hey, Mayor Quimby!
I mean, Mayor Quimby! Uh, none of this happened and isn’t happening now, right?
Er, uh, basically.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 9

Marge
  • Make Homer Lobby for Tobacco Legalization

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Homie, this tobacco ban has been really hard on my sisters.
I know. I’m pretty stoked about it too.
It was the one thing in their lives that made them happy.
Woo hoo! It’s official then — I win!!
It’s just… I can’t be happy, if my sisters are so unhappy.
*sigh* Okay, I’ll try to get the law changed. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that they’ll be getting closer to death.
( click to restart )


End Quest Dialog

( click here )
Remember how I said I wanted you to ban tobacco? I changed my mind.
Whatever. I already decided to lift the ban. It made my girlfriend, er uh, blimp out.
Great! But could you say it was kinda my idea?
It would score me some “hubby-points”. That’s like the premium currency of our marriage.
What?! And have you be fully responsible for any repercussions that may arise from this rash about-face in policy?
Oh, all right.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 10

Quimby
  • Make Quimby Re-Legalize Tobacco

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Good people of Springfield, acting on the advice of my newly appointed cigarette czar, Homer Simpson, I am hereby lifting the ban on tobacco.
So remember, I only did it because Homer told me to do it, unless it turns out great, in which case, it was my idea first.
Thank you. And smoke ‘em if you got ‘em.
( click to restart )


Up In Smoke Pt. 11

Patty
  • Make Patty Visit the Simpson House
  • Make Selma Visit the Simpson House
  • Make Homer Be Sick

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Homer, as much as it pains us, Selma and I have come to thank you.
We appreciate your getting our cigarettes back. Patty and I have vowed to stop calling you things like: Chubba Gump…
George Plumpton…
Fat Stevens…
Whale Rogers…
Okay, I get it. If it means that you two will finally stop abusing me. I guess it’s all been worth it. See ya.
What are you talking about? We’re staying for dinner.
You are?
I’m so glad you guys have made peace. It means that Patty and Selma can spend a lot more time with us.
Oh. Goodie.
( click to restart )


Premium Quest Lines

Saturday Night Fever Pt. 1

Disco Stu
  • Make Disco Stu Roller Boogie

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Disco Stu is back in the groove!
Unfortunately, he’s out of contact lens solution.
Disco Stu needs to boogie on down to the Kwik-E-Mart.
( click to restart )


Saturday Night Fever Pt. 2

Disco Stu
  • Build a Kwik-E-Mart
  • Make Apu Break Up the Party

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Yow! C’mon everybody! Raise the roof off this mutha!
There will be no raising of roofs and do not refer to my store as a mutha.
Chill my brown brother, I mean you no ill. I’ll just dance in place while I wait for my burrito to heat.
Stop doing the bump with my microwave! You’ve knocked over the coffee stirrers!
That’s it! Turn off that boombox, complete your purchase and leave!
And come again!
( click to restart )


Saturday Night Fever Pt. 3

Disco Stu
  • Make Disco Stu Get Snacks for the Party

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Disco Stu can see that Springfield sorely needs to shake it’s groove thangs.
I must let the people know that at Stu’s Disco they are safe to push-push in the proverbial bush.
Disco Stu is throwing the party of the year!
But first I got to get some of the white stuff… sugar!
( click to restart )


Saturday Night Fever Pt. 4

Disco Stu
  • Make People Go to Stu’s Disco

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
People of Springfield listen to Stu!
It is your duty to shake your booty!
Also free cover, dollar shots and celebrities have been paid to pretend to have fun in my club. So get up and boogie!
( click to restart )


Saturday Night Fever Pt. 5

Apu
  • Make Disco Stu Boogie Down

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Stu, I am a convert. I love disco! The pounding bass, the women gyrating in clingy fabrics.
And I finally get to show off my chest hair with a bunch of gold chains tangled up in there.
I don’t like to say “ I told you so,” but…
No wait, actually I do like saying “I told you so.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Soul Train Line to board.
( click to restart )


Saturday Night Fever Pt. 6

Disco Stu
  • Reach Level 15 and Build Moe’s Tavern
  • Make Disco Stu Drink at Moe’s

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Whoa! Who turned on the lights? Not cool!
That’s the sun coming through the windows. It’s seven in the morning.
Oh. I guess the party’s over.
Doesn’t have to be. C’mon over to my bar and have a breakfast cocktail.
It’s just like your place but instead of music there’s, whatcha-call-it, desperation.
( click to restart )


Saturday Night Fever Pt. 7

Disco Stu
  • Make Disco Stu Work a shift at Stu’s Disco

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Whatdya know? It’s already time to open the disco for another night of funkiness!
Disco Stu really should’ve snuck in a disco nap after staying up all last disco night.
I’ll just mix up a cocktail of Red Bull and Lifesavers. I call it “The Bull Ring.”
Party people, it’s about to go off! I-I-I-I-I love to love me baby!
( click to restart )


Saturday Night Fever Pt. 8

Disco Stu
  • Make Disco Stu Boogie Down with God

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Last night, something inside Disco Stu kind of broke.
In the middle of a Grace Jones medley, I realized I was dead inside. Deader than the fish in my platform shoes.
It’s time to look at my life and figure out what it’s all about.
( click to restart )


Much Ado About Jub Jub

Selma
  • Make Selma Cuddle Jub-Jub

Start Quest Dialog

( click here )
Oh Jub-Jub, I know it’s cliché to use a pet as a child substitute… but I really do think of you as my baby!
Hiiissssss!
A baby who will eat my remains when I die alone in my apartment.
Hss…
( click to restart )


September 12, 2013